The holiday season brings excitement, celebration, and planning. If you’re spending the holidays with someone who has dementia, it’s important to make a plan and adjust your expectations accordingly. While this can be challenging, small adjustments can make a big difference in creating a more manageable and enjoyable experience for everyone involved.
Adjusting Expectations for the Holidays
“Every holiday season, people yearn to rekindle old traditions and gather together,” says Joy Birch, Chief Operating Officer of Highview Residences. “They look forward to family meals, bright lights, festive decorations, laughter, and the sharing of fond memories. But these traditions can place greater expectations on everyone—particularly the person with dementia.”
Joy suggests modifying your plans as a family to make it easier for the person with dementia, as well as yourself—even if it means altering time-honoured traditions. If your family tends to get together, plan to have a Family Meeting in advance to discuss your loved one’s needs, everyone’s expectations, and how to best accommodate them. Consider asking the following questions:
- What do we want to have happen?
- What are the most important things?
- Is there anything that *needs* to happen?
- How will this year be different?
- Will all our plans include our loved one (who has dementia) or is now the time to make some separate plans?
And it’s important to remember: Christmas and New Year’s (and the entire holiday season) may *not* be a joyful time for everyone and that is perfectly okay. Do what you need to enjoy this time to the fullest, and honour your feelings that might be less than celebratory.
What the Person with Dementia Needs (holidays and every day)
With cognitive decline, the person with dementia can be supported in navigating their day-to-day through a few thoughtful considerations and some proactive planning. Here are some suggestions to consider and implement to make their celebration as successful as possible:
- Routine. Maintain the regular parts of the day: breakfast, rest, lunch, nap, supper, nap; ensure that any medications or other supports are still provided at the correct times and formats; and offer hydration often (in their favourite cup).
- Timing of events. Often, individuals with dementia have more energy and ability to attend and participate in the late morning and early afternoon. Consider hosting a brunch, morning, or afternoon coffee with treats instead of a large family dinner at 6 p.m.
- Minimal or Manageable Stimulation. Everything from ambient (and not ambient) noise, voice volumes, blinking lights and more “stuff” can contribute to a level of stress and negative stimulation (for everyone – and especially for the person with dementia). To minimize this, consider decluttering and removing unnecessary distractions beforehand. You are striving for “calm and peace” as the Christmas vibe this year.
- Help with Short-Term Memory. Immediate memories are often the least accessible for the person with dementia, so finding subtle ways to help everyone remember, honours your loved one. Consider having everyone wear name tags, using a visual calendar or board to show the date and meal details; choose familiar places, food and drinks, with gentle cueing as the time goes on.
- Meaningful Activities. Less is more: choose activities that are safe, repetitive and failure-free; reminisce over old photo books; large-format colouring together; watch an old movie or family video (and an Andre Riu YouTube video seems to always be in-season).
- Be Aware of The Apathy of Dementia where the often go-to answer is “no”: invite participation by modelling behaviour, such as saying, “Hey Dad, now it’s time to … “ vs. “are you hungry?”.
- Safety. Over time, depth perception may change, making it harder to see objects on or near the floor, and balance may be affected. To reduce tripping hazards, check the space for cords, area rugs, and low coffee tables and remove them. Turn off any blinking lights, and be mindful of fake food or berries that may look real and pose a risk of ingestion.
- The Magic of Music. The part of the brain that holds music remains intact long after language might be gone for a person with dementia. Music is an equalizer that can bring back positive memories for everyone involved. Many people with dementia can still remember the words to traditional songs or at least hum along. “I am always so happy seeing the positive impact of music for our residents,” says Birch. “Even when some may no longer speak, they hear the first few beats of a cherished song, and they sing all the words!”
- Be Present and In Their Moment. Follow their lead. Please avoid saying “Mom, don’t you remember…?”; they have dementia and they may not remember. Their moment, right now, could be 40 years ago and you are a toddler they have to keep safe; or a teenager in high school: go with it. Join them in their moment – meet them where they are. Be creative and avoid disagreeing (e.g., ‘That’s not how it went’). Instead, let them hold onto their memories (e.g., ‘Yes, Dad, Mom is out running errands and she’ll be back soon’), rather than reminding them that Mom has been gone for years. Then gently distract and shift to another picture, topic, or moment. This is how you honour your loved one where they’re at: by being there right alongside them.
- Passive participation is okay too! It’s okay if Mom was the life of the party and now she chooses to sit quietly and watch you colour, do a puzzle or quietly observe.
- Less is more … “This is so important I will say it twice: less is more. The pace, the lights, the sounds, the number of people, the volume of activities: this is the year to turn it all down in honour of what your loved one can handle (…and you might find that the reduced program overall is a better one for you too!)” says Birch.
What About You?
Birch reminds us “As the person who is caring and supporting a loved one with dementia – what you need matters. Like the flight attendant says, ‘Put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others’. Say yes to getting help, delegate tasks, simplify plans, treat yourself to a massage, take a nap, or enjoy tea with a dear friend. This holiday season (and every season), tune into what you need to recharge and stay well because you matter deeply.
Positively Supporting Family Expectations During the Holidays
The holidays can be stressful, but with a bit of planning and flexibility, you can help ensure they are enjoyable for everyone. Encourage your family to be flexible. If your loved one says something incorrect or repetitive, let it go. Perhaps your family will be surprised or upset at how much your loved one has changed with the progression of their dementia, but help them to still “see” them, with love and grace.
Let family members know that visits might be cut short if your loved one gets tired. This year, it’s quality over quantity. And remember, flexibility helps to make the holidays work for everyone. Make a plan. Follow the plan. And be ready… you might need to change the plan.
Highview Residences’ homes in London and Kitchener are small, warm, inviting, and specially designed for people with dementia. Visit www.highviewres.com for more information.
